can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
