i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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