the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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