My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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