I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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