Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
