I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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