I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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