Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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