Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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