Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
