Your face is a jimmy john
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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