I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
