I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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