I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
