My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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