NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
