Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Are these your boobs on my camera?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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