i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
