you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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