cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
