I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
