i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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