All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
