The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
