she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
