I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
