I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
