Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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