My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
