Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
