Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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