Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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