He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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