people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
