Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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