Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So apparently I’m into choking now
I did not marry a roomba.
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