Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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