why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
