The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
