I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Two words: nipple clamps
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