party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize