...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
