Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
