I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
