coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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