my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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