I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
