I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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