New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
