I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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