So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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