so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
