Your face is a jimmy john
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
