you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
