Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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