pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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