What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
