i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
