I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
