i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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