So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
