The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize