I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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