I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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