I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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